Q: Can the monsters touch you?
A: Only if you are really pretty… Actually, it doesn't matter if you are pretty, ugly, or dead; the monsters will not touch you. So, this means that you are not allowed to touch the monsters. By everyone keeping their hands to themselves, they get to go home with their bodies intact.
Q: How long is the tour?
A: Tour? Who said anything about a tour? Who said anything about getting out? Once you check in, the Captain has to decide if he's going to release you. However, he has been pretty lenient lately. The usual stay for a typical haunted house visit is around 20 minutes.
Q: Can I act like a jackass while inside The Fear Haunted House?
A: Of course you can! But, expect to be pummeled, beaten, and bruised by the inmates. Do us a favor; have a good time and enjoy the Halloween season. If you act like a jackass, you will be escorted out…on your head.
Q: What are the items that I should make sure I don't
bring into The Fear Haunted House?
A: It probably is a wise decision not to bring any guns, chains, knives, weapons of any kind, flashlights, penlights, pocket lights, spotlights….pretty much any kind of light, cameras, video cameras, digital cameras… ok any kind of camera, pagers, lighters, alcohol, chemicals, or nuclear devices. You will be asked to leave without refund.
Q: How long is the wait?
A: The earlier you arrive, the shorter the wait. However, the wait has been known to climb upwards of 2 weeks. So, it is best to start camping outside the Navy Pier entrance now.
Q: Do you have wait entertainment?
A: Wait entertainment? You want wait entertainment? What, the blood-curdling screams of the tortured souls inside aren't enough for you? Fine. I suppose we can hook-up a TV or something for you to watch.
Q: What is the best day to come for the shortest line
A: If you show up at 4am, I will guarantee you that no one will be there. Seriously, no one. But, if you were to decide to visit us on a Wednesday or Thursday, the line would be significantly shorter than Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Q: Is there a VIP line?
A: Well aren't we all fancy-pants. Who do you think you are? VIP lines my ass! You'll wait like the rest of the maggots! But, I suppose that if your Daddy is rich, and you wanted to pony up some cash, we will let you skip the TV entertainment and 2-week wait.
Q: What do I get for my ticket?
A: (1) one-way ticket, with all expenses paid to Jamaica. Complete with 4-star lodging, room service, and complimentary poolside drink service. Are you serious? Do you really have to ask? You get admission one of the scariest haunted houses in all of Chicagoland! You get to experience our blood, sweat, and tears, with the nightmares to last a lifetime. Come and play with some of the most hardcore monsters around...
Q: Can I by tickets online?
A: Absolutely. CLICK HERE!
Q: Is there free parking at Navy Pier?
A: You'll have to ask Navy Pier.
Q: Do you have food, drink,
and concessions available?
A: Again, you'll have to ask Navy Pier.
Q: Where do you come up with your designs?
A: Well, I suppose the majority of them come while sitting atop the porcelain throne and then some while playing Candyland and occasionally Shoots-And-Ladders.
Q: How do I get to Navy Pier?
A: In a car or by foot. Our recommendation is to travel by car. If you do so, here are some directions you can use. Don't blame us if you get yourself all lost and turned around.
Q: Is it gory?
A: I would have to say no. Well, except for the dried blood from monsters that are no longer with us….and the blood room were we disembowel jackass guests….and the clown room…..and the……I guess I was wrong. Yup, it's pretty bloody.
I am afraid of the dark, afraid of clowns, afraid of
blood, afraid of air…
A: We have the perfect solution for you! Come to The Fear Haunted House. Instead of paying thousands of dollars over many years on doctors trying to cure you of your fears, we will do it for the special price of only $19.99, plus $.01 convenience fee (for a grand total of $20 per ticket).
Q: Do I get my money back if I don't make it through?
A: Hang on, let me catch my breath. I am just laughing way too hard. Hold on. Ok. PHEW! That was a good one! Sure, you can have your money back, but you will have to see the Captain about that…